Is There a Permissive Grandparent In Your Life?

In a TikTok video posted by MamaTurtle @turtlemommy3, her adorable little girl is seen creating “artwork” on the walls. Instead of reprimanding her, the girl’s grandmother steps in with an unexpected (but hilarious and extremely sweet) reaction.

“Did you do this, Kamille?” she asks. When the little girl affirms that she did, in fact, create the wall art, the grandmother replies with “It’s beautiful!” 

The grandmother goes on to praise her grandchild’s penmanship and the lines of her drawing—which, according to the child’s mom, is not how things would have been handled had she created this masterpiece during her childhood.

“This is getting out of hand! Our parents are soft now that their [sic] grandparents! This is the same mother that made tooth brush scrub floors and acted like the smallest spills were going to lower their property value but since its not her house I see her encouraging my daughter on her ‘artistic abilities’,” the mom captions the video.

As a mom who is raising kids down the street from my own parents, I relate to this, and I think many fellow parents can as well. In fact, this is arguably one of the most common intergenerational conflicts between parents, who want to rely on villages, but also struggle to maintain behavioral standards when their kids get away with some serious boundary-pushing at their grandparents’ house.

Is Permissive Grandparenting Real?

We’ve heard of permissive parenting, which is all about rarely saying “no” to kids by parenting with low structure and discipline. We also know that permissive parenting has its cons. Experts say this level of lenience can lead to rebellion, risk-prone temperament, and unhealthy habits. 

But what about permissive grandparents? How does it affect a child if Grandma and Grandpa give them a different set of rules (or no rules at all)?

DeeDee Moore, founder of More Than Grand, a platform that helps grandparents foster healthy relationships with their grandkids, believes permissive grandparenting is common. Whether or not it’s acceptable? Well, it all comes down to the parents’ wishes. 

“I do think grandparents tend to be more permissive,” says Moore. “Being indulgent can be one of the joys of the role, as long as you don’t carry it too far. It’s usually only a problem when it goes against what parents have asked you to do. That’s why it is so important to communicate so you are on the same page as parents.”

Respecting Roles and Reframing Expectations

Understanding both parents’ and grandparents’ love the kids, Moore says the parties just need to lead with respect when acknowledging roles.

“Parents and grandparents have the same goals: happy, healthy children. We need to be respectful if parents tell us that something we are doing is making it harder for them to raise their children,” she says. “A lot of society’s messages, like ‘spoil the grandkids’, ‘Grandma’s house, Grandma’s rules’, etc., give grandparents the idea that they don’t need to answer to their grandchild’s parents. Ignore those messages and listen to parents instead!”

As an only child who grew up a world away from my grandparents, it’s really important to me that my kids have strong relationships with extended family members. Part of that, in my opinion, requires letting go of control.

If my kids are going to eat more candy, or stay up past bedtime, or watch a little more TV when visiting their grandparents, so be it. At the same time, parents need to make the rules, and everyone who cares for kids needs to respect and uphold those rules. 

But, while this particular TikTok video seems like an inconsequential move on a loving grandma’s part, it sparks a larger conversation.

If you’re relying on grandparents to help care for your children, you may have to accept that their caregiving won’t look exactly like yours. According to Michelle Tangeman, LMFT, a child and family therapist and founder of Thriving Toddler, that’s fine.

“Having slightly different rules is certainly OK,” says Tangeman. “It would be an impossible ask for grandparents, or anybody really, to discipline or respond the exact same way that we would.” 

It’s important for parents to identify what’s really important to their families and communicate their expectations on how those things ought to be handled. 

How Caregiver Burnout Plays a Role

One commenter on the TikTok video surmises that grandparents often let things slide with their grandkids because they aren’t exhausted from 24/7 parenting. 

Moore believes this absolutely plays a role in why many grandparents can be more permissive. 

“It’s so hard to laugh off something like that as a parent,” she says. “Your overall stress level is so high that when something like [coloring on the walls] happens, you tend to worry that your child is on the road to being a delinquent. You have more perspective as a grandparent, and you know that not everything is worth worrying about.”

Tengeman adds that grandparents can be permissive for a variety of reasons, but co-signs the idea that exhaustion can affect how a caregiver reacts to a child’s behavior.

“Caregiver burnout is most certainly going to impact the way you parent,” she says.

Tips To Address Permissive Grandparenting

Tangeman says that for parents, the key is keeping thing in perspective, and communicating with grandparents about what really matters. 

“It’s important to have these conversations when you’re well-regulated so you can effectively communicate your needs and wants.”

It’s also important to remember that grandparents are a part of the team with a common goal in mind: Raising kind, respectful, confident kids.

“Be patient, be kind, be persistent,” says Tangeman. “Getting angry and getting frustrated are valid experiences as the parent, however it may not be as productive and you may not get the outcomes you’re looking for.”

Grandparents Should Receive Feedback Well Too

Today’s parenting standards are obviously different from those of previous generations. But Moore says regardless of opinions or preferences, feedback must be well-received by grandparents in order to maintain a relationship that brings valuable perspective and foresight.

“Whatever you do, don’t get defensive or dismissive of parents’ concerns,” she advises. “Even if parents are overreacting to something you see as minor, you have to respect that they have reasons for their reaction. Have a conversation: apologize for where you went wrong, and ask how parents want you to handle similar situations in the future.”